who cares. he's ugly and has a dick this big -->
You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu
I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.
I like to balance the number of cups of coffee to bong rips in the morning before work.
I don't mean to insult you, but did you leave your training bra in my bedroom last night?
I fell asleep after the worst sex of my life and now I'm snowed in with him. SEND HELP. CALL FEMA. GET ME OUT OF HERE.
Check the mailbox while you're out!
I already looked this morning. You go check and see what you won on Ebay after your day drinking spree.
So we broke my sobriety. Played life size childhood games. Broke into a cold hot tub and got laid. I think this is BFF quality!
You helped blow my nose... Ok it's safe to say we are on a new level of relationship..
I jizzed in his mayonnaise and put it back in the fridge. Shouldn't have stolen my weed.
You ran outside of the party to do the rain dance and swim in puddles
Apparently I bought a laptop last night, then gave the laptop to a friend who was going to give it to her friends' friend to put some cool shit on it. Anyway, I have no idea where my new laptop is now.
This lady is talking to me and all I can think about is getting face fucked and doing cocaine. Not neccesarily together and not neccesarily in that order
Randomize
