I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.
I'm not sure what to say to that.
I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic
Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?
there's no such thing as luck on your birthday, only drunken invincibility, make it happen
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
I seem to have forgotten that I am wearing a one piece bathing suit under my clothes
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
That tingly feeling you're experiencing in your lady parts is my mustache. All the ladies of America are waking up feeling the same thing. You're welcome.
She said she didn't feel right fucking on her parents dining room table I grabbed the only thing around bubblewrap she blew me for creativity
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
At what point can I admit that I hate going to house parties?
I don't wanna stand in your shitty kitchen making small talk while I guard the quality booze I brought.
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
Made out with sailor moon tonight. Childhood dreams do come true.
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
Randomize
