Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
a drug dealer just gave me his business card. it had his face on it drinking a 40oz
Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.
I never thought I'd say this, but there is a life threatening amount of rumpleminz in our freezer
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
I woke up to a text that said, "I can see you but can't get in." It was the pizza delivery guy who saw me passed out drunk on the floor through the front door.
No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.
Whenever you're sad about your life, just remember that I'm on a first name basis with the late night taco bell drive-thru workers.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
Some girl dressed in nothing but Wonder Woman underwear and a cape on her ass just started twerking all over us. Remind me why I'd never been to a midnight of Rocky horror before?
I fought a guy last night because he said "extra pulp orange juice is the best orange juice"
I hear jingle bells and I can't tell if it's bc I'm feeling festive or just REALLY high
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I apparently lifted the young child over my head yelling "Victory!" after that last game of pool, right before doing some Girls Just Wanna Have Fun karaoke.
Randomize
