I just sneezed everywhere.....everywhere. Now no one will talk to me.
What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs
She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.
I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.
This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.
you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.
Honestly... isn't she a psych major? how does she go through life NOT realizing that everything she does is a cry for help?
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.
We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"
I woke up just like any other Wednesday. Naked on the floor, hungover and covered head to toe in lube
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
Randomize
