So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Just fucked a hooker at a motel in New Jersey. Two states down, 48 to go.
why do cheetos always look like penises
vodka and carrot juice, if im gonna drink i at least got my 8 servings of vegetable
No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.
The universe is cradling this hangover like a gay couple cradles their newly adopted chinese baby.
For the sake of being nice I congratulated her and she replied with something along the lines of that I need to stay away from him and not touch him ever. I really wanted to be like "been there, done that" but my New Years resolution was to not start any cat fight over boys with small dicks before noon
I don't know. I wanna do you but I also want a cheeseburger.
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
Can you send me a picture of your dog? I might need to borrow him so I can wear a speedo to a pool party on Friday
WTF was I supposed to tell them? "hi mom and dad, this is some rando I met on the internet. please ignore the noises that will be coming from my bedroom for the next 60-90 minutes. kthxbye."
I have jizz, in my hair. I'm sitting in class with jizz. In. My. Hair. I need to make better life choices.
what do you mean he's functionally heterosexual
Let me atleast have my coffee before you start talking about your penis
Wow. I want to climb Santa. You've made my mind go places I wasn't prepared to explore.
Randomize
