Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.
you were convinced campus grass and foliage would give you your daily serving of vegetables to balance out the amount of alcohol you drank.
I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
It's like the god of all feather dusters, but for your vagina
It really is the softest mustache
My week is over as of 8pm tonight, and I'm herpes free...Let's rage
You can't call dibs on the bed... every time you party you KO in the bathtub
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Update: his apartment is apparently in the campus Christian community center. The fact that I fucked him on the couch in the lobby is officially my crowning life achievement.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
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