I woke up this morning and was hoping we drank enough last night to have a unicorn drawn on my wrist. Good News: We did.
The dean held back my hair as I was puking after graduation. That means so much more than a diploma and a handshake.
He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"
I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.
Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.
I wanna get freshman fucked up and do shady things on the last Friday of my youth.
You had the nerve to crowd surf to your own bedroom.. I guess watching Aladdin high was probably the best idea ever
you walked in, put on rap music and started chugging vodka
You said you brought chipotle into a movie and I asked you to marry me and you said yes
I can recall having this conversation with a three year old, but go on
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I'm not a morning person, and, trust me, no matter how good your cock may be, it will not turn me into one.
I wish people could trade lives with me for a day so they could see how much better my life is compared to theirs
i just turned on my printer and found 10 pounds of german chocolate inside. i think i found where you hid your candy last night
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Randomize
