She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
Had a 3 sum last night, and today food just taste better and the air seems so much fresher!
I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
hey if you're going to the hospital do you wanna pick me up a taco on your way back
I need to calm my uterus...
I couldn't find a water bottle, so I sent her to school with her juice in a flask. Who the hell let me become a parent?
I am NOT pregnant
My barren womb can FUCK WHOEVER I want
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
I got caught throwing up in my daughters princess potty... On the bright side it played a rewarding tune afterwards.
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
my dad walked in on me peeing into the trashcan in our kitchen last night at like 2am. wtf
Randomize
