I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.
dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.
It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.
Admit it. It's a brilliant plan with hundreds of possible repercutions.
Understatement of the year.
just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.
Apparently when it was last call I jumped up on the bar and told everyone to get the fuck out, which was immediately followed by a round of applause from the bouncers/bartenders and my tab getting paid as well.
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
Listen I took a family sized bottle of merlot to the face last night and there's an svu marathon on. Give me some time please.
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
All I need is $1,500, a beach ready body, a bigger dick & this will be the best spring break ever.
Spent tonight painting strippers in camo.
Emergency. I brought a boy home and we fell asleep, but I just woke up to him peeing against my bedroom wall. So I brought him to the bathroom but he fell over and he's sleeping in the tub. Can I leave him there? Because that's what I've done.
Better the hardwood than the carpet, right?
My dad called me in the middle of the night, drunk on vodka, asking for references on the Irish alphabet.
Randomize
