OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I can't believe you let me try to pierce your nipple with a dart last night
If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there
had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
I swear she looks like a sloth.... I'll toss a coin...
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
I wish there was an emoji for sad lady boners
Just to clear things up, yes you did lick the strippers butt
Its just akward. Everytime he tells me he loves me, I have to respond with, I love having sex with you. and he just stares at me in amazement
That portable toilet under the bed? Turns out it was a tuba. Explains alot.
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