Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
we were making out and he got up to change his pants. I wonder what would happen if i took my shirt off.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
I just woke up to people screaming "funnel" in my kitchen....
Happy St. Patrick's Day.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
I was trying to be an adult about it and simply deal with the situation, but a bowl seemed much more comforting.
there is a video of me on Facebook getting mad at a trash bin what the fuck was in your Pepsi
You showed them your nipple for dollars for the jukebox. You were depressed because only one of your songs played. Oh then you twisted your ankle and blamed it on your mad stripper skills.
No shame in my game.
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
I fully committed to my astronaut costume, to say the least. blacking out on moonshine and having a moonwalk of shame this morning: happy Halloweekend.
The cop said he like my hair today. Please explain all other interactions with law enforcement, k thanks
Soooo you know how I said I was trying to be a rational adult? Well that led to me fucking a rational adult today.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
Randomize
