Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"
He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.
Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites
You want a summary? Scottish women that start drinking at 7 am. Cherries soaked in moonshine. Japanese beer. Old men smoking stuff that I'm pretty sure is illegal here and in Japan. One is doing a karaoke striptease. There's your summary.
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
How do I feel about a girl who has a g string tattooed on
I`m watching Shallow Hal & Jack Black has better nipples than Jimmy's chick.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
Yeah it got awkward when the two guys we were playing beer pong against realized that I'd hooked up with both of them. Their teamwork declined after that.
I'm pretty sure my calc professer is on coke. He's just too excited for this to be an 8am class.
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
so i'm with my friends driving on the highway and just saw a guy in the car next to us sucking on a dildo. can't make this shit up.
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
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