so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?
You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!
someone cut his neck open pretty bad with a broken beer bottle. We were so close to his house that we carried him home, but when we got there he casually laid on his bed and said he was just gonna sleep it off. WHO DOES THAT
I also slapped not one but two bananas on the ass, twerked in public, and I think I made out with someone
I've grown it out to 70s proportions. I'm calling it my chastity pelt.
you can tell a lot about a person by the quality of their porn
DO I FUCKING *LOOK* LIKE SOMEONE WHO HAS THEIR ACT TOGETHER!?!? THE ANSWER IS "NO"!
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
I seriously thought Satan had his hand up my asshole and was pulling out my soul. Never. Again.
if I was a good friend this would be the time that i would remind you that you have a boyfriend
If I shall die, I wish to bequeath to you my personal library, my sigma tau delta presidency and all it's apparel, and a puppy.
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
I want to shoot him sideways (so he can still breathe) in the Adam's apple with my little crossbow.
Randomize
