I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
Me hooking up with her is like rush being president. Bad news.
I just found glass in my funny face pancakes, there's nothing funny about that.
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
I'm just sayin' man be careful, that chick has castration written all over her.
I had to put a towel over my laptop because the little power light was too bright. New hangover low.
Just had a 10 minute long conversation with my cat about how if I died, and he needed to eat me to live, I'd totally be ok with it. Definitely still drunk.
I mean honestly, I love naps like Anthony Weiner loves sending dick pics
we need to invent and abuse teleportation
I'm having post-experience "why didn't I fuck her in a public bathroom" regrets
There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.
I'm glad you found someone that both loves you and is cool doing coke off your tits. Proud of you.
I'm officially disproving the fact that a hoe never gets cold bc this hoe is COLD.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
the guy had "bad bitches only" tattooed above his penis...
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