I found the orange juice, it was hiding in the vodka...trickster.
I just spent an unhealthy amount of money overnighting a full adult sized Trix Rabbit Halloween costume
I'm on the bus and the homeless person in the seat to my left is jacking off to a cartoon picture he found. He's now cleaning up with mitten I dropped.
something came early last nite... and lemme tell u it wasn't christmas...
im just going to superglue mistletoe to my forehead and see what happens
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store
New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.
As we were fooling around he told me he was conceived on this bed like it would turn me on.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
I think you just miss his friendship.
I think it's his ability to give me multiple orgasms.
Fuck you know you drunk when you start signing the Masson impossjvke song to entourage yourself to pee
Just found out that the guy I lost my virginity to voted for Gary Johnson. It's almost more upsetting then him ending up being a massive asshole.
I wish I was there so i could bitch slap his incredibly sexy face
wyd
Laying here debating on if i want a sandwich or an orgasm.
Randomize
