On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...
he is so obsessed with the fact that he works at Apple
i know, its like he jerks off to steve jobs
Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.
i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.
They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know
Dude you were tripping so badly we put a pretend box around your head and you spoke silently for the rest of the night. I think pterodactyls were involved.
I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.
that is the opposite of a normal text message.
ON A SIMILAR NOTE MY DICK SIZE PSYCHIC SKILLS ARE SO GOOD
Just had an orgasim to the Star Spangled Banner so.. it was all worth it.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Just shaved my balls on a moving train. By far the most dangerous stunt I've ever pulled
Just showered and cleaned every bit of sex off of me cuz i have a feelin my stepmom has jesus powers and would be able to smell it on me
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Randomize
