im using old socks as coasters. im going to make a great housewife.
She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis
Every man deserves at least one moment like that
Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.
We can't tell anyone we fucked because I'm still trying to get with your friend. Is she coming next weekend?
Pretty sure the shower sex fucked up my hip alignment... im walking like im 104 today
I don't remember... but I heard a cop threatened to pepper spay my dick
Just seen a chubby version of you. Nearly kidnapped her. Perfect woman
I am too high to deal with coming home to 11 naked people in my living room
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
You walked in with a bag of weed and asked for a watermelon. For some reason they actually gave you one, and you made it into a perfectly working bong. Two of them offered their girlfriends to you for the night.
Randomize
