i just got arrested. apparently dont move means dont move.
Whats the opposite of morning wood? Whatever its called, everyone saw it when it fell out.
Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for
just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.
I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
I have my vibrator between my thighs and I'm listening to high school musical. That kind of high. We're all in this together.
When my mom found out he was a high school drop out she was like "seriously? Can we raise the bar a little higher next time kels?" So my moms pretty cool
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
I should get him a card "thanks for letting me use you for your penis on and off as I see fit and for being a nice guy. My boobs and I appreciate your loyalty and dedication"
Then he asked if he could pee on me and things really went downhill
If you need me I'll be getting drunk in a chewbacca onsie like a real adult.
He lured me round with the prospect of sex and then made me proofread his CV and spoon. I fucking hate this guy.
This guy needs to stop asking about my feet
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