I just accidently sent my poop smells like vodka to 27 people in my phone book
JOSHUA! WE ARE SO BREAKING UP!
what?
YOU'RE DRUNK AGAIN, ARENT YOU?!
I would invite you but we are high and there is an AK-47. Not your scene.
Oh and fyi, I've been drinking and about to do free weights. I'll late you know how this goes.
Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila
No. My vagina is not the scapegoat for your poor decisions.
Boobs speak an international language.
He just stared me dead in the eye as he continued to beat off. Then said "you were going to catch me sooner or later".
Except if I'm having sex. In which case you're in the bed with us or out of the room. No halfsie participation.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
I just watched an intern spill two trays of coffee inside a spinning door
Best exit from a building ever
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
Help I accidentally unlocked this guy's tragic backstory and I need a rewind button!
Randomize
