My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!
my vagina's been through so much this weekend
you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?
I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it
I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.
Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?
It's like a squid of pain has attached to my head and it spreading it's whorey tentacles all over.
All three shower stalls were filled with couples fucking and then someone yelled "switch" and... We switched
Dude you spent 20 minutes on the phone with dominos answering machine trying to order a pizza
Some old chick is rubbing my thigh and saying she needs some Memorial Day dick. Her teeth are kind of gross but I'm going for it.
We just left the shoe. An app card to Fridays. $25 to santoras and a note that said sorry we were drunk on the front doorstep of the strip club
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
Our Uber driver pulled over to show us Tinder some dick pics. Top that.
Love it. I wish you see me right now. I'm counting cash on my bed with no shirt on, beauty and the beast sound track on blast. Fucking creepin it up.
Randomize
