Best text conversation ever. Other than the one we had about using blood for lube.
Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.
if she mentions anything about chili and my phone, just go with it
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.
you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.
she's my drunk super hero.
so you told her it was a 'nam scar? i mean, how old does she think you are.
Dude I just came exactly at the crescendo of the Catalina wine mixer duet from step brothers.. Advance to next level.
Hey, I'm probably about to be arrested but I didn't want to wake you. But it would be cool of you to get the $500.00 I have in the box I keep my "medicine" in and come bail me out. Also I figured you would be amused at the thought of me fending off brutal prison rape tonight.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Ok because I want to set a new world record for how fast I can drink away my Christmas money
Just woke up with an entire pack of Oreos in my cheetah onesie. I've been waiting for this moment forever.
They found you popping and locking it alone in the parking lot
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Haha I had a heart to heart with a stripper so I would say it was a success?
Sorry for prompting a philosophical penis discussion at 10:45 on a Friday night.
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