i'm pretty sure god just pointed at me and laughed
Whose surfboard did we steal and why is there a wood carving of a pelican in the fridge where the beer used to be?
sitting in an airport in detroit. just saw a commercial for detroit tourism with kid rock as a spokesman. reason # 1458 to never visit this city.
My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
The worst part about getting "creative" and by that i mean baked is that i just wanna get laid right now and all im doing is eating nachos
Yeah I figured you were blackout when you were Shakira dancing on the floor.
turns out it took a Belgian couchsurfer dressed as Heisenberg to rock my world.
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
I totally have a huge crush on him though which is fucking up my "classy she-demon with limited feelings" vibe
I don't think it counts as a booty call at 6:30 pm.
My mom just told me I look like darth vader. how's your night?
I don't know who he was but he was covered up with a shower curtain and ate a whole bottle of tums
Upstairs definitely just had sex while I wrote you love poetry. That was a fun experience 🤷🏻♀️
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