I just got hit in the face by an old lady love handle.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
no, throwing your underwear at it is not the solution to everything
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
All i remember is you yelling at a stop sign and the rest is a blur
I made that picture of you my lock screen. So I've just been standing around at work licking my phone all day.
You just get me....like our souls are boning in the spirit world
Just shaved my crotch so I could call it the bald eagle. Happy 4th.
i just added a shot of fireball to my iced coffee. goodbye sobriety.
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Now I'm having a post-sex brownie. Is this the life? I think it might be
I was on antibiotics for a bladder infection and couldn't drink and you told me there was no longer room in your life for me.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I think I left my bra and my crocs in your room
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