I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.
Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?
I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.
We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car
I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous
driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup
So no more sangria road trips?
Thanks for being the best husband and reassuring my fuck buddy that you're comfortable with my adultery. You da real MVP.
I walked in on him jerking it to videos of UFC fighters. The most awkward part: he didn't stop when I walked in.
HELL YEAH TIME TO KICK THE CHILDREN
He makes me want to cheat on my other 3 boyfriends..
hotelroom bed is big enough to masturbate in, but small enough to not want to sleep in it after you've masturbated in it
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
I just saw a guy in a zippo shirt buy 2 gallons of fire starter fluid and then proceed to smoke a cigarette. I feel like hes got some big plans for his tuesday.
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