I'm twenty-five. I'm too old to be watching my friend throw up in Chipolte Parking lot.
The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.
It's going to be great. They guy at the store said 3 shots and you won't be able to feel your face or stop smiling.
Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
If I ever see that bitch it is going down flavor of love style
Someone put a huge skyy vodka bottle in our washing machine. My roommate didn't see it and ran it. The washing machine split in two. #life
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Believe me honey Imma fuck the discount out of at least one plastic surgeon in my life
He took a girl home at like eight, fucked her, kicked her out, came back to the bar, and repeated the process again at 10:30 and 2:30. THREE GIRLS IN ONE NIGHT. ALL PICKUPS. I HATE HIM.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
Now all I have unanswered questions and a fucked up finger
just saw a kid waiting at the door of the stairs for the elevator. there is no elevator in this building. get on his level.
Randomize
