I'm playing the sound guy on a porno set
Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
there was a 40 knocked over. chips and salsa all over the floor. and she was in her thong doing boot camp on demand in the middle of the room..
He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Either im tripping real hard, or there's a legit land shark in my apartment.
The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.
He wanted to watch the vow, cuddle, and not have sex. An upgrade is in order.
He's 5'2" and his dick 4'8"
You just managed to turn Dr. Seuss into a sext. I really like you now.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
