Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
i woke up with toilet paper straight tucked up in my underwear wearing a pizza sauce mustach. I dont think i got laid last night.
she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
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Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Hey I didn't mean to be all lemme get with your ex husband.
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I was so drunk, he put me to bed and went down stairs to hang out with his friends. Apparently, I was curled up in the closet, spooning the dresser when he came back up.
I woke up with eight different shoes in my bed what the hell happened last night
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