I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe
How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden
He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.
I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.
I feel I should make it clear.....I'm not stalking you, I'm stalking ur dick. You don't even need to talk when you get here. At 4am I think we'd both prefer that anyway.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Just got blown whilst wearing a glow in the dark superman t shirt. Your night will never be as good as mine.
We both work at 8am and I have to shower but my roommate is passed out on our bathroom floor with the door locked. Merry Christmas.
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
I am sorry. I am also on acid.
It was a great idea to buy that cocaine while dressed as an elf. It snowed all night for me.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Is it okay to get drunk at a baby shower? ....asking for a friend
The wine is franzia the food is cheese puffs there is a canoe full of beer and the andre glasses are mason jars glued to candle sticks. i shit you not. Best. Wedding. Ever.
Randomize
