im orety awesome arent i? relly i know i am
matts gf stood and watched my naked ass gather my clothes off his floor this morning. sweet.
i love that we sang a whole new world together while you carried me through campus
I just opened a bunch of old flavored condoms just to see what they tasted like.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.
I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
He told me he was in a Proactive commercial. It didn't seem to work for him but he was buying me shots so I slept with him anyways.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
not sure when or how we ended up at this wedding party but you need to be here they are handing out screwdrivers and Yamakas to everyone and it's a got damn open bar you need to be here now
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
Randomize
