Let's make jello shots for tomorrow
What's going on tomorrow?
Nothing, it's Wednesday
filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with
You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.
To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.
Wise words from the guy who drunkenly chipped his teeth on the sidewalk
Crosswalk actually
I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
You know it's time to cut back when your unemployed drug dealer roommate tells you that you party too hard.
There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.
If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Bro i pulled the fucking willy wonkas gold ticket of ratchets the other night this chick was a real treat god bless her
Did we have sex last night?
No. You laid in my bed and I brought you taco bell.
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
Randomize
