i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!
Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...
I just saw a pregnant woman with a cigarette and a beer walking into the Larry the Cable Guy show. I'm glad my taxes are paying her medical expenses.
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Where else am I to apply my creativity?
I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.
I still think the kiddie pool full of jello option is worth exploring. Just sayin'.
I love 4am trips to the ER. I feel so responsible for actually making it all the way here.
You started sleep walking, went to my closet, tried to pee on my boots, and when I asked you what you were doing you said "I'm talking to these people about jobs"
He reached a whole new level of creepy. We were getting a coffee and he noticed the girl at Starbucks name tag looked her up on fb and friend requested her right there without ever introducing himself
I don't trust a bar IN TENNESSEE that doesn't have Jack Daniels.
THEYRE FUCKING GOLD
Are you talking about the color of my tits or the quality of my nudes cause both are
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
it was a hallmark card with butt plugs.
i got woken up by a cockroach crawling onto my hand and now i'm pretty sure i'll never be clean again
I love you too, but sadly you're not as good at getting me out of bed as cocaine.
i'm currently watching a guy eat a bunch of cacti and i have lost all faith in humanity
**cactuseses
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