I woke up at 5am and he was watching me sleep... Come get meee!!??
dude smells like cheese burgers and loose women...... i want his life
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.
You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
25 likes of a picture on Instagram of my butthole. beat that.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
Last night I flashed a car full of people my tits for a bag of pretzels so yeah I'd say I was at least tipsy.
That's the 3rd time in 6 months I woke up on the hallway floor using a towel as a blanket, no clue how I got there. At least back when I was still drinking I could blame something other than myself for that kind of shit.
You should go to AA meetings and warn people about the dangers of sobriety.
Anybody can graduate from college sober. You try it while being stoned every day for the last three years. 2.75 baby.
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Randomize
