john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
We're playing Edward Bottle-of-eight-dollar-sale-wine-hands now
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...
I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.
Be still, my beating vagina.
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling
We have started to decorate penises.
I'm just opting for alcohol abuse, ramen and cuddling with my dog for now.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
Looking for my adderal, only found acid. What a shame
I'll just go on tinder. Seeking strong male to help take apart ikea furniture and move. I'll touch your dick.
I was so drunk at your wedding that Uber is now showing up in my Spotify recent searches.
I didn't want dick. I wanted spaghetti.
Randomize
