sorry about last night, sometimes people just get drunk and have sex witht heir friends
I know, I was there.
you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?
Woah.
that's not how you spell hell yes.
Have you ever been so weak from sleep you couldn't push your poo out?
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
When theres a zombie apocalypse, i will be the only fat survivor. I ate chef boyardi ravioli with part of a pen for a fork
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
With a breakfast like weed and a fun size twix before a dentist appointment you can see exactly how I handle being an adult
shotgunning beer in rite aid bathroom. hurry
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
