Thanks for feeding me more tequila shots to prevent me from trying to fight her last night. Horrible logic? Yes, but you are the best friend ever
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
Actually, what with the curvature of the Earth, it's faster to leave from Washington. And Google maps recommends kayaking instead of swimming.
Some guy is here using a taser on people. I'm up next
We're having play-off hate sex for a sport I don't even understand. Go USA!
What's the address and code again...does anyone need anything and why is my viking helmet on the bed?
I can't believe I came last night staring into my profile pictures eyes.
I'd let you fuck my husband in the future, that's how much I love you
It's no shave November. This is our time.
What a better way to celebrate that I'm single by becoming a stripper and making $1000 in one night
I wore grinch underwear to my well woman exam this morning and I feel like I adulted successfully today.
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
My vagina! What have you done to it?
Blessed it my child.
Randomize
