Ohh the wonderful, yet disgusting things she can do with her hair
We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!
I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!
he asked me to smell his eyeballs.
She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
This Halloween will be different. I'm just here to get shitfaced, not troll around looking for slutty nun pussy.
Guess who figured out you can fit an entire bottle of champagne in a big Subway cup. Open container laws my ass.
You just yell-acapella'd the theme to fresh prince of bel air to me while a different song is playing in the bar.
Well, I have a text in my phone that just says "Scrumtrelescent" from a girl I have in here as "Cheesy Tits", so you figure out how my night was going.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
Also, your girlfriend apologized to me about yesterday. That was nice of the cunt.
Are you saying I'm your favorite hot mess?
I'm actually my favorite my hot mess, but you're a close second.
Last night at a party someone grabbed my ass so I just fucking punched them in the face then went home and ate a frozen pizza
You were pretty conviced that my dog was a spanish child and kept trying to read him the news from your iphone app
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