That shot tasted like Sant Claus came in my mouth. I love the holidays.
then the nurse gave me a bag with my personal belongings: phone, wallet. jacket, keys and a BTB burrito
I threw up red last night... I wanted to pinch myself because it wasn't green.
He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?
Shared a jello shot with her mom last night. then she tucked me in and took of my shoes for me
There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.
I found you laying in the kitchen with a bottle of vodka and a slice of bologna on your face. You said you were having a spa day.
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Omg I'm puking right now and then sneezed four times in a row. You don't know pain til this happens to you.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
I JUST LIKE FLANNEL, NOT VAGINAS! OK?
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
You need to finger her with the Spock hand sign since she loves Star Trek.
Oh, now I remember why I deleted your number. You're kind of a dick. Please delete mine.
He ain't mine yet. Gotta have a third date before I pee on him and mark territory.
Oh. Wait. That happened on the second date.
Randomize
