what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?
Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.
I just spent the last hour spooning with my drug dealer.
Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair
We are lost and the only things we have are peanut brittle, cookies and vodka. I think we'll make it.
Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.
You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Weight watchers just said "you've tracked beer three times recently, want to make it one of your favorites?" I'm begining to understand why I needed to go in the first place.
Is it acceptable to respond to a declaration of love with 'and I love your dick'? Asking for a friend who shares a name and possibly a phone number with me. Entirely coincidental.
Randomize
