be a good friend and just tell me i'm not pregnant
He wouldn't know what to do with his penis even if they made a "how to get a blowjob for dummies" guide
The girl behind me at the dollar store said couldn't wait to get her permit, then requested a pregnancy test. God I love being home.
i was considerably less excited after they told me my present didnt have a penis
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!
I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens
Vague recollection of me ripping your shirt off at the bar... I hope I asked first, otherwise that's real rude.
Everything smells like vodka and bologna. WHAT DID YOU DO?
Ps you missed quite a show. I was for some reason whipping my hair back and forth and head butted the tip jar. It shattered and now I have a circular bruise on my forehead. All the bartenders hit the floor to get all the quarters.
I don't understand why you aren't on this trip all I do is smoke weed drink beer and get fingered
i just found a red feather stuck to my penis and i really wanted to send you a picture but too much
I just sent my ex off to a party, threw a condom at him, and told him to make good choices.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
I legit just swiped right with a Tinder feminist just to get in an argument with her. Soo that's my Friday night so far...
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