the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...
"tonights gonna be a goodnight" was blasting at the club while i was screaming "NO ITS NOT" and crying. How do you think it went?
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"
Great news! In less than 2 hours, I'm ripping your underwear off with my teeth!
Like I just asked Greg why I don't have a crown for my vagina. That drunk.
I woke up like how did I get here this blanket is nice but it was just the curtain
Come to this bar
But I'm full of food.
MAKE ME FULL OF YOUR DICK
of course the one day I come to class high we have guest speakers from the police department... Just my luck
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Election Day 2016 shall forever live in infamy as the day when I hobbled through my neighborhood, mascara melting down my face, wearing one slipper and a cast, blood and cum all over my skirt, carrying a box of wine, and no one even noticed.
Ever try to swallow something and have it go up into your nose instead? Yeah, I just sneezed bacon.
Randomize
