if I hooked up with that creppy kkid in bio does that count as doing charity work during the holidays?
Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.
He told me I just kept sending him the word sex and dollar signs.
He said I was trying to make the bouncer dance with me AS he was throwing me out
I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.
She made me take my shoes off outside her room but she didn't make me wear a condom. I am confused.
And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble
you riverdanced for the cops while the rest ran away.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
you told me your favorite colors were "pink" "no pants" and "Mexican food"
ya well i woke up to my roommate spraying me with windex...
She's chasing the cat around the house hitting it with a cardboard sword yelling "there can be only one!"
They just canceled the season. It’s going to be harder to bang soccer moms this year
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
