he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper
I wish you could buy pregnancy test at the liquor store, it's the only place I feel comfortable being a disgrace because I know they understand why it happened...
what part of “beer fountain” do you not understand
He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.
i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me
I found the bottle of ketchup and sobe you tried to hide in the middle of the lawn last night
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.
She had a tattoo on her pelvis that said "it's cock-o-clock" an had clocks and hot dogs exploding away from it. I'd like to tell you it was deal breaker buuuuuuut.......
Whore are you.
Is that a Yoda insult or are you asking me where I am?
Yes.
What's the policy on calling guys who have kids daddy...
I can't believe my vagina just got wished happy new year
His dog ate the vibrator. The WHOLE vibrator. We spend the morning after trying to make it vomit up the battery. Why does this always happen to me?
You said "I feel like a koala bear. Do you ever just feel like a koala bear?" This is your brain on drugs.
i just remember singing the theme song from 2 and 1/2 men to my hair
Randomize
