I woke up this morning in a strange bed with a kid with an accent playing with my feet.
I wish the health center treadmills counted beers burned not calories
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.
You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.
It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
I convinced a shit ton of people I was a russian foreign exchange student to get free drinks. I knew learning those accents would come in handy.
Last night I was introduced as the Picasso of getting fucked up so I obviously had to live up to it by chugging long islands
For a guy who won't fuck me, your dick is out a lot when we talk.
I I was gonna wake him up with a blow job but I don't know how he would feel about it.
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