i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
Standing here next to my mom talking to my friend trying to act like he doesn't sell me E every weekend.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man
you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you
I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either
She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.
she is way to in-touch with her childhood
The bride and groom wore the Batman masks I brought. Best wedding ever.
Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.
Three of my exes and one of my exes' brothers have hit me up and it's only been a week. I hate semester break.
*tries to be fun and flirty* *literally gets peed on*
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
Randomize
