Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men
Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.
dude I just realized something - girls return my clothes washed so in thought bringing girls home is like avoiding going to the laundramat
so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.
You nicknamed her "lazy eye" and were screaming across the bar at her to buy you a drink...
He had Jail Releases phone number programed into speed dial on his phone.
I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw
I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.
I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"
i just had to pick up my 18 year old cousin from the police station for hosting a party, and i had to do this stoned wow
It's 90 percent alcohol, and 10 percent a whisper that says "get drunk"
I figure blowing aggressively into a harmonica is better than screaming, "GET THE FUCK AWAY FROM ME YOU SOCIOPATHIC SUCCUBUS" to my sister, in the middle of an auditorium, during my mothers college graduation ceremony.
He stopped eating me out to remind me to look at the stars
imagine the bill from school house rock beating the shit outta you
Randomize
