seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.
I just spent the last 30 minutes shaving my asshole.
I would like to meet someone who actually lost their virginity in a candle filled room
i was so blacked out at my family party.. my mom gave markers to all my little cousins. i was tagged by 5 year olds.
I don't know where my bra went.
Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.
I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.
By the way seagulls wings are very soft. And the lesbian and or by sexual twins say hello. Be home in the little bit time frame.
The guy who bit me so hard two nights ago that I had to put Neosporin on my nipple and the guy in my bed right now are two different people. Help
I think he should just go away to a small penis island and never come back
He went down on me for an hour and a half. He needs to get promoted more often.
IT WAS JUST SO LITTLE AND AWKWARDLY FLOPPING BACK AND FORTH
I continue to impress myself. Also I'm probably pregnant
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
I was asked to be part of a mmf threesome. I think I'd rather stay home, watching Orange is the New Black and cuddle with my cat though
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