Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.
Fuck I'm high.
woke up to 35 texts all saying im cheating on her
me and last nights hook up spent two hr. figuring out a reply we went with i love you..
he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.
We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.
the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.
Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.
I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog
Yes ma'am. At least you're a warning story I can tell to my kids in the future
Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon
Woke up with two different flip flops on sum burnt at the beach. Who are these French kids plz come back
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
Yesterday I went home with one shoe, today I go home with three. Fucking win.
The Easter sex puns were too abundant
How much weed should I buy my mom for her birthday?
You know its awkward when your mom walks in on you and your boyfriend yelling surprise....I was scared into an orgasm
Randomize
