Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.
What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?
I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.
I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.
Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.
They should make Glad Forceflex condoms.
I want you more than these girls want KFC
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.
Our adventure is going to pick up his pipe and weed that he ditched when he got pulled over the other day.
HOT DATE.
thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers
its only a rough draft.
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
I'm going to have to start playing roller derby again so I can blame my sex-related bruises on that.
I know now that the cab driver can get me a 10 dollar blow job. I'm practically a local.
I think he's holding my wallet hostage because I puked in his car. It's not my fault he has child locks on his windows..
He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.
Don’t get me wrong—I love silver and bracelets—but handcuffs are not a good look on me…
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