ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)
Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
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My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.
How unacceptable would it be to bar hop with a funnel in the square? It's Halloweekend and I plan on going hard. I can claim it goes w/ my costume. But I don't think the MIMITW uses funnels.
It was like the perfect storm of bad decisions.
I enjoy it and I rock at it. I wish there were a respectable way to make giving blow jobs a career.
He's the conductor of the struggle bus
I RODE THAT FINE PIECE OF STRUGGLE BUS
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By early evening I was shouting at the deeply Christian girl to suck my dick inbetween snorting lines of gatorade powder.
Two dicks, one me.
Yoga's definitely paying off.
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
You are an awesome peach made of glitter.
We just FaceTimed and I put an Oreo in my vagina for him. Now he has to fly across the globe for me.
i got my period today. mid walk of shame and im wearing a shirt that says stay classy. my life is a joke.
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