I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
I realized today that the only reason you made out with Travis is because he has nice teeth
I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.
tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.
Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.
Jen gave my number to some guy she met in NY. He sent me a picture of his weiner. He had nice shoes. I replied with a pic of bacon.
When in doubt always reply with bacon.
I told you in the isle if you get the one that vibrates that I masturbating with it. Your fault.
Bullshit. You owe me a toothbrush.
How did I roll 7 times this month and survive?\nI must be some sort of ecstasy goddess
I may have just sent her dad a picture of my penis. His name's Myron, right?
Ugh im hungover from last night, and to top it all off, I think someone jacked my laptop.
umm ya, so we found it in the oven wrapped in a pillow case this morning
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
This is the best 30th birthday ever. In a Motel 6 drinking a shower beer and sending slow-mo dick helicopter videos to you.
1 fuck you 2 fuck her 3 ur forgiven 4 im breaking up with her
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I am going to bedazzle the shit out of your Basilisk costume.
Randomize
