My Higher Power is John Stamos
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
i cant believe i hit a parked car with a pink dildo in my mouth... fuckin epic
I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.
I want a bunch of melted cheese. or a penis. or a penis covered in melted cheese
I convinced every single one of my cousins to bring me a glass of wine. I was the alcoholic queen and they were my subjects.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
we got stoned then he started showing me how to make his penis look like a hamburger...if that's not true love idk what love is
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
If we were teenagers we would intentionally be trying to burn down this historic landmark
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