Dude, just walked by a homeless guy pissing on the sidewalk while he was screaming at his wang. God, I love this city.
my tits taste like a pina colada. how often do you get to say that?
dude it was like an art museum there were boobs everywhere
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
they call him Oral-B. enough said
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
I think I'm drunk at the airport. Oh the possibilities
Sober me admires drunk me's enthusiasm, but there is no way I'm going to make it out there today.
Lol drunk you is so full ideas and happy. Sober you is full of grumpy reality.
Morning! Im using your rent money to snort percocet.
I got home at 1 am on a weeknight with lube in my hair. I'd say it was a successful first date.
I just found a samari sword in the couch. I'm about to take like 5 shots and pretend to be captain jack sparrow
Randomize
