I was scared of Debbie's boobs today. They were all huge and scary looking
time to smoke my breakfast
I am a mess. Weirdest thing: I woke up with a hammer under my pillow. No idea why.
At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?
Right after we had the just friends talk..
Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE
Watching frozen planet. There's a beach master sea lion with about 50 sea lion bitches fighting another sea lion for said bitches. It's a bloody battle. Dude. You have over 50. Share.
Teeth make me feel like a dinosaur. Can you feel yours?
Unlike bears, this weekend is not the #1 threat to America. It is, however, the #1 threat to my liver
On a side note...my DUI lawyer just snapchatted me. This is the exact moment in time when I realized my like IS a joke.
I think weed is turning my hair brown
Did you or did you not grab my boob while I was making out with the foreign kid?
He used his penis as a drumstick on my back and had me guess what song he was playing.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
Do NOT. I repeat. DO NOT call me little one after we have fucked. In no world is that ok. Even jesus agrees.
Randomize
