I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
I have not carelessly put myself in herpes way since I got a clean bill of health tyvm.
She keeps sending, "show me your elephant trunk."
...he tried to burn down someone's house once. ABORT ABORT ABORT
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?
I know the wedding is going to be a good time, I don't have to wear a bra with my dress
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Considering what happened last night and how horrible I feel, I look amazing
I begin to question your sobriety when you both left here shirtless, with beers in one hand and shotguns in the other
Randomize
