I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
He looks like he got hit by a weed-eater with chlamydia
So I paid for the taxi using pennies and hair clips, no need to thank me.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
Just puked in my hallway. Good start to a great night
I'll pretend I don't know she's blind, my morals claimed the back seat in this adventure.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
he answered his phone during sex and left to go help that drama queen with her latest bullshit. I'm drinking all his vodka. it's asshole tax
You were so drunk last night that you fell thru the bathroom door at the bar, ripping it off the hinges in the process. But, your birthday tiara stayed on thru the whole thing. I'd call it a succcessful evening. Happy birthday kiddo!
Somehow, walking in on your drunk mom in a diaper was the least traumatic thing I saw last night
Randomize
